Many people believe that your twenties are a time of exploration, a time for cliches, like finding yourself, sewing your oats, planting seeds for your future, and other farming metaphors. I maintain, however, that your twenties are a time for something much more important--pyramid schemes. Just float back in time with me for a moment, and recall the warm embrace of your first cult. Mmmmmm. Just let that crazy-ass philosophy wrap you up in tender promises of money and fulfillment. 
Good. Now that we’re all here in the late 1990’s, let’s talk about your well-deserved new American lifestyle with Primerica. You see, unlike other “business opportunities,” we want to put you on a “get rich slow” plan. Because, let’s face it, if you get rich quick, you might find it unnecessary to drive to our leased, Corporate Woods compound every other day to sit in uncomfortable metal folding chairs (which, by the way, are your responsibility to set up and put away) and listen to the same fucked-up, magical thinking sales pitch given by fat Cody and his thin, beady-eyed wife, Brynn. I mean, if you get rich quick, you might start having thoughts at these “sales meetings” like “What the hell am I doing here? I think next week, as I open my folding chair, I’ll just drop my pants and bare-assed fart against that cold metal. Maybe let my balls flap in the wind of it for a staccato effect. See how they like that.”
Primerica doesn’t want that for you. You’re better than that. You’re not selling perfume or Tupperware or knives. No, sir. You’re helping people to invest their money in this thing called mutual funds. As the name suggests, mutual funds are about togetherness. And since we’re all in them together, it’s really the safest investment you can make, because in order for these babies to fail, something totally fucked up would have to happen, something like all of the major banks, the housing market, and the automotive industry would have to tank at the same time, and (pause for laughter) that’s never going to happen. 
So, you’re probably wondering, what does it look like to get rich slow? A little something like this:
1) Make every single one of your relationships uncomfortable by selling a financial product to your friends and family that requires them to divulge to you the exact nature of their financial situation. They especially will love the part where they tell you how much they have in checking and savings. Try to do this over the holidays, while you’ve got everyone together.
2) Be in constant contact with your sad, middle-aged team leader, so that he can remind you just how fucking awesome everything is. Call him daily to talk about all of the awesome improvements you’re making to yourself and others through the miracle of mutual funds and self-help books. He will definitely be calling you and leaving you desperate messages like, “Hey guys, this is Paul. Just wondering where you are with those appointments and really calling to say awesome...so...awesome.”
3) Set goals. You see that t-shirt that Paul is wearing? The one with a comma and a check mark on it? Yeah. That shirt signifies that he has finally alienated enough of his friends and family to have earned over one thousand dollars. And if you work hard and self improve like crazy, you too can be the voice on the other end of an awkward, screened phone call to your cousin or work acquaintance.
4) Be perpetually business casual. Just go to your closet right now and purge anything that is not khakis or a polo. Good. Now go lease a BMW, so that all of your new recruits can see how fucking slow-rich you are.
Did I mention that we also sell life insurance? You can, too if you give us $200. This will take your self-improvement to the next level, because there’s nothing that folks like better after a nice lookie-loo into their financial closet than a frank reminder that they are going to die.
Yes. This is what your twenties are for.
Quick preview into your thirties--two words: weight gain.
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